What I Love Most About Poetry and Writing…

Jesi Kay

Jesi Kay, poet and aspiring novelist, was born in the Texas panhandle where wide skies, lazy summer days, and rolling thunderstorms sparked her imagination and left lasting memories in her blood. An early reader, poetry and mythology were her passions. So much so that when she was ten years old her step-father gave her his college mythology textbooks to read, which were full of classic poetry and more than enough tales to fill her romantic and inquisitive nature. Jesi loves reading, art, going to the theater, the romanticism of the Victorian era (but not the missing conveniences of indoor plumbing and central air conditioning), running when the heat and humidity cooperate, and cold weather so she can wear her favorite boots and knitwear. Also, she still has those college mythology textbooks, a little worse for wear over time but still intact and telling their stories to her. Jesi is a contributor at The Well Tempered Bards blog and at www.octpowrimo.com.

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8 Responses

  1. lrconsiderer says:

    Today I wouldn’t have hit publish, but I don’t regret it. The comments I got from people who felt the same, but who had been too afraid to write it – I decided that their experience of my writing redeemed the whole mess. 🙂

    Thank you for being so sweet about it though.

    • Jessica says:

      We all experience defeatism, self-sabotage, and anxiety. I think it’s just part of being human. And it’s hard in today’s world with society’s definitions of sex and beauty and why physical appearance is worth more than the invisible beauty we all carry within us.
      I’m glad you hit publish.It did bring out things people carry inside, the inner demons we fight every day. What goes on in your head goes on in mine and other people’s. I can identify with a lot of what you said, the inner dialogue especially. You may not have meant the effect it had, but there’s no denying the positivity cancelled the negative out.

      And I’m not being sweet. I have been afraid for years that my baby sister has an eating disorder. I think she’s bulemic but I have been told by people who think they know her better than I do (and they probably do but I think they are too close to the situation to see it clearly) that I’m just imagining it. I’m not. I see the signs of bulemia, and drug use. I see how unhealthy she looks. She’s 4 yrs younger than me and looks 10-15 yrs older. And she does it all in order to appear hot and sexy and defined by society’s standards of beauty. You hit really close to home for me. I lost a lot of weight and I color my hair. I buy clothes that make me feel pretty whether or not they are in fashion. But I don’t do it for anyone but myself. I am learning how to be me. I’m not sweet or kind. I just try to treat people the way I want to be treated.
      And I may not truly understand the place you are coming from but my heart doesn’t care about that. I only know that you need lots of love and care and a shoulder and hugs and tears and all the faith and support I can give you. And you have that whether you know/want it or not. 😉

      • lrconsiderer says:

        I really, HUGELY appreciate that. Thank you. And I’m sorry to hear about your sister. Mine went through a phase of it, too, though I’m not sure she was ever bulemic, just very restrictive in her diet.

        She managed to get thinner than I have, which feels like failure. I have Aunt Flo atm, which feels like failure. I’m tired of fighting, which feels like failure. And this evening I went out and ATE ALL THE THINGS, which is definitely failure.

        I am beginning, well, no, I’m halfway through failing at failing, which might (on the surface) seem like a positive, but it’s a double failure to my mind, and I’m so tired of it.

        I want to look attractive to MY eyes, but the problem is that I think my eyes are skewed. Of course I would LOVE to impress other people, or appear attractive to Husby, but I’m too used to rejection from both to think that it would be possible. In comparisons to other people, I most always fail.

        I remember reading when I first ‘met’ you that you’d lost a lot of weight, and it made me envious then, and wonder how you did it, because you look great (what I’ve seen of you). It made me know that it IS possible.

        But not if I keep eating carbs so late at night. I need more willpower somehow.

        *sigh*

        • Jessica says:

          I don’t want to make you feel like any more of a failure because sweetie, you are not one. It’s all in our heads what we see when we look in the mirror. I can promise you that. Because when I look in a mirror I see this young-ish fairly pretty woman. But every picture I see myself in I think I look old and fat. I don’t like taking pics because of that. I see it. I get told differently but what I see in the mirror does not agree with what I see in pictures. I can see myself in the shower and I wish I could melt the fat from my stomach all away. That freaking belly roll is my emotional nemesis. That and my nose. I hate my nose. I’m not one for plastic surgery for cosmetic reasons but if I were in an accident that forced me to have to have my nose completely redone I would not be upset at all. But I am trying to force myself out of feeling like I do. Go look at my pics on my personal FB page. I think I have some up of what I looked like a few years ago. I’m not in a lot of pics actually. I take the selfies when I feel more confident and sometimes I think they look ok. Like the one on my Twitter right now. Yeah, it’s in black and white but even the color one I think was ok. But it was angled and I was lying down. The truth is, I’m getting older. I am the only one who can make myself happy and I am doing my damndest to make myself be the person I want to be. And that person doesn’t care about her weight. She cares more about being a good person than a thin one or a beautiful one. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop eating better and exercising. I want to be around for a long time. I have four handsome reasons to do so, and one very personal one that motivates me better than anything.
          As for what I did to lose the weight, I can tell you but it truly was all about being smart and having TONS of stubborness. You can call it will power if you want…I know better. I was just freaking stubborn. What I did was control my portion sizes, eat a balanced diet instead of what someone said I should, paid attention to good carbs and bad ones as well as good fats and bad fats, stopped ALL sodas and drank only tea and water until after I knew I was over any cravings for soda (that was my HUGE weakness), and I began running. I have a genetically high metabolism (trust me it is not as big a plus as you think it is-I battled with doctors for years who thought I was anorexic-I had an opposite eating disorder: I couldn’t gain weight-it is not a good thing trust me) and I have to be careful that I don’t become like my maternal grandmother who was a walking skeleton and freaked me out when we would visit her. The one thing I had that you don’t is that my dad’s death made me realize one thing, the biggest thing of all: I wasn’t proud of who I had become, not him. He was always proud of me. That realization was an epiphany. After that I knew it was up to me to change my brain, reset my thinking. And that’s what I’ve been doing the whole of last year. It CAN be done. I am living proof. But even I still struggle; it is the hardest thing to do every day. Some days I have to get up and tell myself every little step to take. I have to remind myself of the goal at the end. That being to make one hot guy do a double take after I walk by-;-) LOL. Seriously, though, my goal is to not be dead at 70 from my own carelessness. Although…if I can also make a hot guy walk into pole that’d be funny as hell. I am always here. I am one of those people who really mean it when I say ANY TIME. You won’t bother me. I’m a good listener despite that I can talk your ear off when I like you. This reply is a case in point 😉

          • lrconsiderer says:

            Thank you HUGE for this. It’s a gorgeous response – I want to take time to reply properly but it’s 2am and I have to write a link post FOR TOMORROW, so I might get back to you tomorrow, if that’s okay, but I really appreciate you taking the time to share your insights and thoughts and your take on this, as well as your own struggles. Thank you.

          • lrconsiderer says:

            I need a goal. At the moment it’s to be able to look in the mirror and not cringe (though people tell me mirrors lie, and this isn’t a realistic goal) or to take a shower and not feel sickened and awful about the Fat. But again, people tell me that’s about my state of mind more than the physical. The thing I’m really battling is that it seems as though I MUST choose between peace of mind and a slimmer body and it irritates me that some people can have BOTH. Because it’s reasonable and achievable and I WANT THAT!

            I need to get my willpower more consistent. I know where my trouble spots are. I just need to work on them. For me it’s late night cereal. *sigh* REALLY need to fix that.

            Sorry I had a whole other reply I was hoping to give but I got up and today’s a bad day again.

        • Jessica says:

          Also, I was born and raised in a state where they try to stuff food into you and if you don’t eat or are TOO skinny they think there’s something wrong with you. I learned really fast that there was no way in hell I would ever do that to anyone despite being Texan. So, as far as offering you food goes, only if you tell me you are hungry will I offer to feed you. Now tea on the other hand…

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