My Birthday Gift To You
I had a fantastic day yesterday, not because it was my birthday, but because I was able to share it with people I care about who care about me. My new friends and old, my family, and my kids, they all came together and showed me how much I was loved. I am still getting happy tears in my eyes when I think about this.
There is so much I could share with you from yesterday. I could talk about how my friend Amber remembered, and is planning a small get together for this weekend. I haven’t had someone care enough to do something like this for me for my birthday in a very long time, so this means a great deal to me. I could also talk about my new friends, five women, whom I have grown to love very much in such a short time. These ladies make me smile and laugh every single day, and because of them I have felt my heart become lighter and my confidence stronger. I might mention my kids, and how, after a simple comment was made in jest, they made me the first birthday cake I’ve had in over 18 years. With two candles. All of this just truly made my day all the more wonderful.
But the best thing was the gifts I received. There were no presents gaily wrapped for me to tear into and open. In fact, there were no presents at all. Yet, I was given the most wonderful gifts of all. I was given love and affection, friendship, and kindness all day long. And at the end of it, I received something I value more than any gift you could buy, and that was a gift from the heart. My friend CJ from my writer’s group wrote me a poem. CJ is only just beginning to write poetry, and so she doesn’t think she’s all that good at it. I’m stunned, honestly. I read her first one and I was pleased. It is really good for a first attempt. But this one she wrote for me has me stunned. It’s beautiful. I can tell she put some thought into it (even if she did use crayons and paper to write it *wink*) because it’s very personal for me. I don’t know how she managed to know, but everything she wrote in that poem was a direct strike at my heart and soul, and I was in tears by the time I was finally able to finish it. By the way, this is how you begin to win my heart. CJ now owns a piece of mine. (Want to know why? Because she put thought into it, not thought of herself, but of me.)
In all truth, there have only been a few people who have done anything like this for me, and they have known me a long time. CJ is the first person I’ve ever known to strike the core of my heart without knowing me all that well. I keep much hidden from people. I get told often how I wear my heart on my sleeve and that my face is an open book. That may be true. But I also know that whatever you think you are reading there is only surface emotions. You have no idea what I am thinking or feeling, and if I choose to tell you, you should trust that there are some things I just cannot talk about, or that I have no wish to burden you with my deeper emotions. And I will respect you enough to do the same for you, unless I see you are hurting, and then I have to try to help you, even if it is only to listen and hold your hand through it. So, the fact that CJ got through those barriers is a very big deal to me. CJ, you are the sweetest, kindest, loveliest person, and I am so thankful you have been brought into my life. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart for that poem. I cannot begin to tell you how much I love it. These poor words are all I have but they are very sincerely meant. I love you, my friend. For those of you interested, go to her blog here and check it out. It’s lovely. And please leave her a comment about it. She deserves at least that much.
I could talk about all of that. In fact, I just did (yes, Captain Obvious is alive and well). But what I’d like to do is give a gift to all of you. First, I am going to share a video with you. I am a huge music fan. I say that a lot, but it’s true. I truly listen to everything I can get my hands on. I use the Pandora app on my phone, and I have so many stations on it, that I just leave it where the app shuffles through the stations. I’ve said this before as well. I get a very good mix of music and I hear a lot of different musicians. I have the app so I can listen to artists and determine if I like them enough to buy their cd or just one mp3. The problem is that I tend to forget to buy the music since I have it on Pandora. However, I do occasionally remember and this happened yesterday. I am a fan of Lindsey Stirling, the dancing violinist. I love her work, and I was thrilled when I found out she was putting out a cd that I could get locally instead of downloading. (I have nothing against downloading music, but I’m a little paranoid about keeping all that digital information without backups. I prefer to buy physical cds to keep on hand, but not everything is out on cd.) So, yesterday while I was out running an errand, I stopped in at the store that’s selling her cd and I bought it as a birthday gift to myself. I’ve been pushing it off and saying I can wait for it, but I couldn’t wait any longer and I’m so glad I didn’t. I love this cd. (Download here or buy at your local Target store.) I listened to it all night and my favorite track is Shatter Me featuring Lzzy Hale from Halestorm (check them out). The whole cd is really gorgeous, but this one is staying with me. I guess if you could say’Jes, this is your type of song’ then this would be it. (Psssttt, there’s actually a lot like that, but this one definitely fits in with them.)
I love this song so much, and the story that accompanies the cd. The song is about courage and worth, and believing in yourself. It’s about letting go of the control of your life and trusting that there is a better way, and when you do, you find the light was within you the whole time. I am just beginning to see my worth, and trust in something bigger than myself, which is why this song stands out to me, I’m certain. We bring those things into our lives that can help us or harm us. We are responsible for our own happiness. Cut your cords and find your worth.
And so, I was inspired. I only hope I did the song justice. For my birthday (belated now), I am giving you the gift of the poem I wrote for it. I love this song and I hope you will, too, as well as the poem I wrote.
By Jessica Scott
I live inside this shell of glass,
With gears and bolts made of brass.
Porcelain flesh, fragile and thin;
Upon my pedestal I always spin.
I look through eyes that never move,
And dream of days that never improve.
I feel a settling of days gone past,
An endlessness that forever lasts.
But my heart beats fast whene’er I hear,
The music in the dark that I hold dear.
I come alive; its beat plays strong,
What power is there within this song?
Shine a light upon this heart
Before I freeze into this part,
A living doll, an act to play,
Revolving, turning, day after day.
Reach inside, break this shell,
I’m tired of living in this hell.
Shatter my soul, make me come alive,
For I’m ready to take that dive.
Fear holds me in its grasp,
Slash these strings that my body clasps.
Free me from this nightmare dream;
Save me before I scream.
Shatter me, free this soul,
Before I drown in this hole.
If I break this glass I will fall
Who will catch me, hear my call?
But it’s time, I hear the music again,
My heart beats fast, and then,
I know what I must do; it’s time to go.
So, I play my song, fierce and slow.
Porcelain flesh cracks and breaks;
My mechanical heart begins to ache.
My feet begin to dance and move,
The pedestal does not approve.
‘Keep going’, I hear, so I play true,
I see the light, the glow of its hue,
It echoes within me, but not in vain
I move my feet and dance again.
The glass explodes;
I know what this forebodes,
And as I fall, a thought bursts free,
I was the one to shatter me.
Copyright © 2014 by Jessica Scott
All rights reserved. This work or any portion thereof
may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever
without the express written permission of Jessica Scott
except for the use of brief quotations in a review.