Alright, darn it…I knew this prompt was coming. Raise your hand if you are just waiting to see what I write about love. Rod, put your hand down, we all know you are. (~wink) Sigh. Okay. Here we go. I write about love often, believe it or not. CJ has read a few. Love is probably the most written about feeling in poetry. The beginnings of love, the ending of it, the longing for it, describing it, etc.
The challenge for today, though, was to write about what phase we are in in a relationship, past loves, new love, and ending loves. I cringed when I saw this. I’ve put up some personal poetry already but this one strikes a huge blow to my heart. I seriously thought about backing out of this one and posting several poems I’ve already written about love. But then I thought, if I were brave enough to post what I wrote yesterday, which was not only laid on my heart but my soul as well, then I can have the courage to write and post on this particular subject. I don’t talk about my relationship/s in my blog other than my children, and I’ll not begin anytime soon. I don’t like people posting their drama in such a public domain, and I refuse to add to the pollution.
So, with that in mind…today’s poem is the closest I will come to opening up about where I am emotionally in my life currently. And there is a story behind it. I listen to Pandora all day long, every day. If not Pandora then the music I have stored on my phone. I love music. It speaks to me in a primal way and I can be swept off my feet by it. Who can’t? Do you remember a few posts ago when we were describing magic and synchronicity? Well, I believe that sometimes we get messages through music. Now, I listen to a lot of music. I am very eclectic in my tastes. I love a little bit of everything, really. You’ve already seen some of my tastes. Well, on Pandora I have set up lots of stations but they are mostly indie and alternative stations. When I listen I usually just use the SHUFFLE station which goes through everything on my station list. I do not have country or contemporary christian (CCM) at all. Keep that in mind. A few weeks ago, I was in a dark place. I’d just had some unexpected, unwelcome facts come to my knowledge. These facts will have a huge impact on my life and my kids. I was left feeling lost and useless, and I was truly wandering in a dark maze of doubt and confusion. My self-esteem and confidence took a huge hit as it does when we are faced with events out of our control. How would I be able to handle this? How will I take care of my kids? I’m not strong enough, I’m not brave enough…how am I going to get us through this? I had Pandora on shuffling through my stations. At one point I sat down and tried to calm my soul. When I did, the face of someone whom I admire and respect and think quite a lot of popped into my mind. And when that happened, Pandora stopped in the middle of a song, restarted it’s app on its own, and began playing a song I had never heard before. I was in tears by the end of the song, sobbing, heart-wrenching tears. I had needed to hear this said to me. I suddenly felt as if the person had wrapped their arms around me and was telling me everything would be alright. And I knew it would. I’m the one who sets things to rights when they fall over, but I didn’t feel so alone that night. I was able to come to some conclusions and decisions. When I looked up the song afterwards, I discovered that it was a CCM song. I was blown away. All I heard in that song was someone telling me I was beautiful, I was strong, and I was loved. I truly believe the universe was sending me a message that night.
In writing today’s poem that song came to mind. There is a line in it, “even a perfect day can end in rain”, that became my inspiration. I am not ashamed to admit that more than a few tears were shed this morning over this, but they are not heartbroken tears. More like grieving the lost promise of a path you can no longer walk while seeing the sunrise over a new one. As for the extra poems, I hope you enjoy them as well. I am, again, putting up a video, the song I heard that night. I hope you will watch it and let it touch your heart the way it did mine. Sometimes, we just need the mercy and the grace of knowing we are loved. Have a great Wednesday, my friends.
P.S. I had to remove the Official Video as playback has been disabled on outside websites. But you should go check it out on Youtube. It is Beautiful, Beautiful by Francesca Battistelli.
By Jessica Scott
Did you ever stop to consider
That the greatest love you could have shown
Was simply grace and mercy?
You were enough for me,
With all of your faults, all of your darkness,
That you hid from everyone but me.
Acceptance is all that I looked for from you.
I just wanted to be enough for you.
But even perfect days can end in rain,
And it’s been storming for far too long.
The flood has breached our barrier,
And I’m done with fighting the waters,
To keep us from drowning.
And all you do is shout at me
That I’m not enough.
Let the waves come.
Let me sink beneath this ocean
Until I hit bottom,
And come undone;
Let the sirens kiss my lips.
For someday I will rise from this death
To see a light shining through the darkness,
A hand raising me up from the depths,
And Love telling me:
You are beautiful,
And you are enough.
By Jessica Scott
There are days when the greyness of the sky calms the restless soul within,
when that which is burning cools to embers
buried beneath a blanket of ash that remains warm despite the cold.
The heat emanates but does not burn too hot.
It waits to be stoked, to be prodded into life,
To feel the air and inhale it;
to sense that which will catch and ignite the spark.
A single flame lights: one here, one there, one behind, one in front.
They join, and so begins a new dance, a new fire,
a new life that glows and burns until it consumes that energy which fuels it.
The cycle is complete as it cools, and begins the circle anew.
She Who Knows Me
By Jessica Scott
She stares at me with eyes of blue and grey.
She dyes the hair that used to be the color of honey,
Now that it fades with age,
But we both know the truth.
Her skin is fair, with roses that still bloom in her cheeks.
And those eyes that have always seen through me,
To who I am underneath,
They still see as well as they ever did.
That which I do, she does as well,
Sensing my movements with her unnatural sense of prediction.
So when I reach my hand out to her,
She reaches for mine.
I caress her cheek and touch her lips,
And she responds in kind,
Though I cannot feel the softness of her fingers on my skin,
Or the warmth of her touch.
I yearn to feel her arms wrapped around me,
And I long to hold the one who is my strength.
We are one, this woman and I.
And I love her, in spite of her faults.
She has never forsaken me, nor has she ever betrayed me.
No man has ever loved me the way she does, unconditionally,
With the truest love I will ever know.
She alone knows my heart, and sees my soul.
And we are not strangers, she and I,
For I know her as well as I know my own self.
The beauty that shines in her eyes,
Shines in me as well,
And I know that she is as proud of me as I am of her.
And though we still fail each other from time to time,
We forgive one another,
For we are strong, with hearts full of love and compassion.
I look at her while she looks at me,
A beautiful life living as happily as she can;
Her star shines so brightly these days,
That I wonder if she will outshine the sun,
Or burn across the night sky leaving her trail blazing behind her.
I give her one more look,
Then, with a smile, I blow her a kiss
And catch the one she sends to me.
I turn away, and she does the same,
And we leave each other to our own devices,
Her to her life, me to mine.
And as I leave the room I turn out the light,
And the mirror goes dark.
That Quiet Place
By Jessica Scott
Do you remember that place we used to go,
Where the trees were so thick that we could not wrap our arms around them?
Where the lake was so blue and so deep that you, with your great height, could not touch bottom?
The air was clean and fresh, and we drank it in with deep breaths,
Though I began to hiccup, and you laughed at my annoyance with them.
The cabin where we stayed was nestled in that grove which hid us from any prying eyes,
And those nights we spent out of doors, naked in the lake or on the beach,
You exploring my body and I yours,
They are still the sweetest of memories in my heart.
The only sounds we ever heard was the wind among the leaves,
And the rain on the roof the night you said you loved me.
I cried, and you smiled because you knew I loved you, too,
And the kiss we shared then was more than it seemed,
For it was the contract my soul made with yours.
It was in that quiet place where our hearts were joined and married, though no vows were ever spoken.
Now, as I hold your wrinkled hand in mine, with your hair thin and grey, and mine white,
With my eyes clouded, and your height lost,
Though I walk slowly, and you push the wheels of your chair,
We are still one, and I still love you in the quiet places of our hearts.