Some days I feel as if I will never figure everything out. What am I supposed to be doing? Why are some things so hard for me to get through my head? Why can’t I figure out what I’m supposed to do with all these ideas? Why can’t it be easier? For a very long time I felt lost. I had no clue where I was going or why or what I was supposed to be doing. I got married, got divorced, had kids, etc, but in all that time I never knew what my purpose in life was. I still don’t to be honest. I have no clue whether I’m supposed to change the world, or just my little corner of it. Am I supposed to be just a mom,or is there something more that I’m supposed to do? Why was I given certain gifts if I’m not supposed to use them? Do you ever have those moments?
I knew, and know, what I love doing. I love to sing, always have, but I never took the oppurtunities I had to pursue that as a career choice, and now at my age, it isn’t so much a purpose as a passion. I will sing until the day I die, always. It’s my way of expressing my joy and happiness, my sorrow, and whatever emotion I feel like singing about. But I also was born with the ability to write. I don’t even think of it as a gift. For me writing is breathing. I don’t think about. I just do it. It’s not a love. it’s not a passion. It is as much a part of me as my heart is. Take away my ability to write and I’m not sure exactly what would happen. I think I would just about lose my mind. Scratch that. I’m stubborn. I’d find a damn way to write. I don’t know if what I write is even any good, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t even matter because I would still have to write even if it were garbage.
I’m not sure what it all has to do with my purpose, though. However, I’m not even letting stop me. More than likely it will sneak up on me, the way most things do, and in the end I’ll discover that I was fulfilling my purpose all along while trying to find out what it was. I think that’s a universal truth for most successful people. I don’t think they actually knew what their purpose was. I think most just found it while pursuing their passions. It snuck up on them. I don’t know if they even cared about finding a purpose. Sometimes we just keep doing what we love, and nothing else matters.
As a woman, I grew up the way most females do. We’re taught to believe that our sole purpose is to marry and have kids. We’re supposed to procreate and continue the species. But, society has changed in that women are showing the world that they are more than mothers, more than wives, and more than just women. We have more than one purpose in life and it’s not to just be mothers or wives. Our purpose is not just to settle down and have babies anymore, although it is one of the most wonderful experiences I have had. But that is not all that I am. I enjoy being a mother, and being a mother to four boys was a blessing in disguise. I cannot be more surprised at how happy having only boys has made me. That’s not to say that I didn’t want girls. I did. That’s why I have four boys. But, my boys have made me view life in so many different ways and it’s been worth all of the gross things and teasing that I’ve had to endure because of them. However, I still love singing. I still love reading. I am not just a woman with four boys. I am so much more than that. That’s something that I’ve known but really haven’t said out loud to myself, but it is true. I am so much more than what I thought I was, and what others see of me.
This journey I am on is one that took a long time in coming. I had things to go through, though, to get here. There were lessons that had to be learned, and moments that had to be experienced. They have shaped the person I am today, and they are the stepping stones to my becoming the person I am going to become at the end of the ride. I keep telling myself that I’m doing all of this because of my dad. I’m changing so I can make him proud of me. The truth is, he was always proud of me. He’s passed away but he was still proud of me to that day. Nothing I do can make him any prouder. So, who am I really trying to change for and why? This is what I thought about last night. The answer is: it’s all me. I am changing for myself, not to make my dad proud of me, but to make me proud of myself. Why? Because I’ve been disappointed in myself, in the way I was living and in the person I saw I was becoming. For the last two months I’ve been doing things I never thought I’d be doing. I’ve begun looking at things with a positive outlook on them. It’s such a big change and I can’t hide that change. My confidence has soared, and every day brings new thoughts and new outlooks and new gifts. I can’t keep all this bottled up inside and it shows. I smile so much now. It’s hard not to. I wake up happier than I’ve been in a long time. For now, I’ll keep following my passions, the singing and the writing. Who knows where that will take me? I’m not even going to worry about it. I’m just going to keep traveling on this path that’s at my feet and going with the flow. For now, that’s enough of a purpose for me.