I’m not sure why but today has been rather an emotional one for me. I didn’t feel that way this morning when I woke up. In fact, I woke thinking I was getting yet ANOTHER cold and hoping it was just lack of sleep. (It was.) But at one point this afternoon I have thought about things I try NOT to think about very often, skeletons-in-the-closet kind of things. Things that other people are writing about and admitting to, and it’s bringing up things that I don’t want to think about. Things that I have tried to keep hidden from myself. Things like I was “mildly” molested when I was younger by my step-dad, my mom’s second husband. Things like when I was nineteen and was visiting my mom he grabbed the top of my arm and his fingers “accidentally” grazed the side of my breast when he ran his hand down the length of my arm to my elbow. Things like seeing the after effects of my mom’s rape when I was about six years old. To say I wasn’t affected would be the biggest lie I’ve probably told myself.
I haven’t actually cried today though tears seem to fill my eyes at odd moments. I can’t help it and am powerless to stop All.The.Feelings. I want you to understand that I’m not actually depressed. I honestly don’t feel that way. I truly feel good…just experiencing reflex emotions when I read something powerful which I have been doing, it seems, most of the day. Those strong, well-written Things triggered my own Things and so, I am reliving them. This is good. It helps going through and purging oneself of past negativity. By going through the fire again I am tempering the new person I am becoming. I am growing. But, I have to walk into the fire first, stand inside it, and let the flames burn away all the pain so I can heal. That’s where I am.
Then Someone who hasn’t posted anything in months posted Something.
This Something made me laugh but then more tears filled my eyes because the Someting was made in an act of compassion. This Someone is a person I associate with compassion, and I try to emulate them as often as I can. I admire and respect this Someone very much, though they will never know how much of an impact they have had on my life. I wear a necklace with a circle pendant, a symbol for Karma. What goes around comes around. I am positive that Karma has my Someone on her Shiny Gold Star list. No, scratch that. She’s got THIS Someone on her Bright Flame list because THIS Flame shines very bright. This Flame makes my heart glow. It is this Someone’s words and actions that make me look at my Things and hope for that wondrous gift called Mercy.
I sat down after seeing my Someone’s Something and I wrote my piece for The Well Tempered Bards. To be honest, this is my Something, small as it is. It is the best I can do today. I may not be a Bright Flame, but I’ll settle for being one small candle burning in the night. Because even that small flame lights up the dark.
With all my heart,